A Day in the Life of Testy

You need to be a little punch-drunk to test quest coding, I think. This story was inspired by my attempts–and failures–to get chairs to magically float in a tavern for a Tamriel Rebuilt quest. Some of the jokes are references to the world or to the quirks of the Morrowind Construction Set. Can you decipher them all?

Author’s Note

A Day in the Life of Testy:
A Test Character’s Journal
Based on a true story

Wake up. Brush hair and apply makeup. Affix Test Character name badge. I don’t know what Testing Character means, but okay. I just know my employers promised me free health insurance. Punch in to work.
Told to go to Old Ebonheart. Okay. Run there.
Long run. Kind of out of breath. Go to tavern.
Walk into tavern. The usual suspects. Check To-Do-List. Am told this is normal. Walk out.
Punch out.

Wake up. Brush my hair, do my makeup. Affix Test Character name badge. Punch in.
Told to go to Old Ebonheart. Run there.
Really out of breath. Maybe I need more practice running? Go to tavern.
Find chair floating in midair.
Poke chair.
Chair is poked. It does nothing.
Bang head on chair.
Write down report: someone should really move chair.
Punch out.

Wake up. Brush hair. Forget makeup. Affix Test Character name badge. Punch in.
Told to go to Old Ebonheart. Start to run to Old Ebonheart. Get tired. Complain to Vivec.
Suddenly appear in Old Ebonheart. Vivec apparently answered prayers! Cool.
Told to go to tavern. Go there.
Find chair floating besides Zaurac. Chair is no longer running into my head. Cool.
Zaurac, however, keeps banging his head on the chair.
Write down report: someone should really tell Zaurac not to bang his head on chairs.
Punch out.

Wake up. Brush hair. Cannot find usual makeup, so make do without. Punch in.
Told to go to Old Ebonheart. Am still tired from running to Old Ebonheart last time, so complain at Vivec.
Vivec doesn’t listen. Still in Seyda Neen.
Complain to Vivec to take me to Vivec instead. Suddenly appear in Vivec. Vivec apparently only likes me praying to go to Vivec now.
Jump in water and start to swim towards Old Ebonheart.
Keep swimming. See nothing. Keep swimming. See nothing. Check directions. Water must have ruined bottom half of directions, because directions are not there.
Write down report: Old Ebonheart zero-summed. Send help from BSA registration comittee.
Keep swimming. Drown.

Wake up. Brush hair. Do makeup. Affix Test Character badge to chest. Punch in.
Told to go to Old Ebonheart. Ask Vivec to take me to Old Ebonheart.
Suddenly appear in Old Ebonheart. Run to tavern. Notice Daryn walking down street. Say hi to Daryn. Daryn says hi back.
Continue walking to tavern. Notice Daryn walking down other street. Say hi to Daryn. Daryn says hi back.
Continue walking to tavern. Notice Daryn walking down third street. Wait a moment.
Look behind self, see two other Daryns.
Vivec plays Twilight Zone theme.
Write down report: check that there is only one Daryn and Vivec did not duplicate him again. Also check where Vivec stole Twilight Zone theme from because copyright issues.
Punch out.

Wake up. Get halfway through brushing hair and decide its too much trouble. Affix Test Character badge to chest. Punch in.
Told to go to Old Ebonheart. Knows will be told to go to tavern next, so tell Vivec to take me to the tavern directly and save me the trip.
Suddenly appear in tavern. Chair still floating.
Zaurac is standing on top of floating chair. Zaurac’s head is through the ceiling.
Say hi to Zaurac. Zaurac says hi back.
Poke chair. Chair disappears.
Zaurac still has head through the ceiling.
Write down report: write to Alma Rula to make rule it is not safe to stand on floating chairs.
Punch out.

Wake up. Affix Test Character badge to chest. Punch in.
Told to go to Old Ebonheart. Wait around for Vivec to make it so.
Suddenly appear in tavern.
All goes black.
Lose consciousness.

Wake up. Affix Test Character badge to chest. Punch in.
All goes black.
Lose consciousness.

Wake up. Punch in.
Receive message from Alma Rula that all is forgiven, but that making chairs float is heresy punishable by death and zero-summing.
Write down report: use floating stools instead.
Punch out.

Wake up. Affix Test Character badge to chest. Punch in.
Told to go to the tavern in Old Ebonheart again. Pray to Vivec.
Appear in tavern. Several stools floating now. Zaurac is watching them like they might shove his head through the ceiling again.
Say hi to Zaurac. Zaurac rudely says nothing back. Plan vengeance against Zaurac.
Poke stools.
Stools do nothing.
Write down report: make stools more proactive.
Punch out.

Wake up. Affix Test Character bage to chest. Punch in.
Told to go to the tavern in Old Ebonheart.
Check on Zaurac’s status first. Zaurac still alive. Good.
Pray to Vivec. Appear in tavern.
Zaurac says hi.
Stools floating. Stools start floating towards me.
All goes black.
Lose consciousness.

Wake up. Affix Test Character badge to chest. Punch in.
Told to go to the tavern in Old Ebonheart. Pray to Vivec. Appear in tavern.
Several stools are floating. Zaurac is nowhere to be seen.
Write down report: Vengeance successful, but the chain of prophecy has now been broken.
Punch out.

Wake up. Affix Test Character badge to chest. Punch in.
Told to go to tavern in Old Ebonheart. Pray to Vivec. Appear in tavern.
No stools are floating.
Zaurac attacks on sight.
Die from Zaurac-stabbings.

Wake up. Affix Test Character badge to chest. Punch in.
Told to go to tavern in Old Ebonheart. Pray to Vivec. Appear in tavern.
No stools are floating. Zaurac is standing next to one.
Say hi to Zaurac. Zaurac says hi back.
Threaten Zaurac. Zaurac attacks.
Sic stools on Zaurac. Stools appear on head. Now I can’t move.
Write down report: make stools float higher.
Die from Zaurac-stabbings.

Wake up. Affix Test Character badge to chest. Punch in.
Pray to Vivec to give me strength before sending me to tavern. Vivec obliges.
Skip merrily in preparation to kill Zaurac.
Go flying 100 feet into the air.
Write down report: I can see my house in Balmora from here!
Do not survive trip down.

Wake up. Affix Test Character badge to chest. Punch in.
Pray to Vivec to send me to Old Ebonheart’s tavern without any strength enhancements this time. Vivec obliges.
Skip merrily.
Enter tavern. No stools are flying. Zaurac is standing by counter.
Say hi to Zaurac. Zaurac says hi back.
Sic chairs on Zaurac. Stool appears on Zaurac’s head.
Zaurac does bad imitation of moonwalk while standing in one place.
Shoot Zaurac from afar with flame bolt. Stool blocks flame bolt. Zaurac accuses me of bloody murder and starts stabbing.
Stab Zaurac back. Zaurac dies. Zaurac’s corpse floating under stool now, which is also still floating.
Write down report: stool headwear is really not fashionable but does make one highly resistant to magicka. Unfortunately, some levitation side effects may occur after death.
Punch out.

Wake up. Affix Test Character badge to chest. Punch in.
Pray to Vivec to send me to Old Ebonheart’s tavern. Vivec obliges. Appear in tavern.
No stools are flying. Zaurac is no where to be seen.
Go into basement. Zaurac is under the ale kegs.
Say hi to Zaurac. Zaurac says hi back. Zaurac does not appear to notice kegs crushing the life out of him.
Punch Zaurac. Zaurac notices, and dies shortly afterward.
Write down report: having kegs attack Zaurac may be more effective than the stool idea.

Wake up. Affix Test Character badge to chest. Punch in.
Pray to Vivec. Appear in tavern.
No stools are flying. Zaurac is standing next to counter.
Say hi to Zaurac. Zaurac says hi back.
Sic kegs on Zaurac.
Zaurac dies with kegs crushing him.
Write down report: vengeance complete.
Punch out.

Find new job.